Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me and my recliner...we go way back.

   just because YOU think that your pretty dosent make you pretty it just means your EGO is as ugly and fat as YOU are

   thinking about going over to Walmart and showing off my teeth.

   Breaking News: New Chinese TV leaks just enough radiation so you get a gorgeous tan while watching

   Nobody likes the person that asks, "Well, where did you put it last?"

   Remember, what doesn't kill you, makes a great story.

   The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.

   Your chances of dying on the way to buying a lotto ticket are greater than your chances of winning.

   Sunday morning is for sleeping in, having sex, sipping coffee, and eating bacon.

   Watched the show Ax men for the first time today, and was shocked when it wasn't about black men.

   The ultimate test for a relationship is having arguments and still being able to have amazing sex.

   I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   Sometimes all it takes is a Bud Light at sunset to make me question my atheism.

   Dear neighborhood prowler. You are playing a dangerous game. This is Texas. We all have g0ddam arsenals.

   To be or not to be is the question? Bull s**t I choose to be who, what, and how I want to be. Not to be what everybody else wants or expects me to be

   If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll.

   The really great thing about working in the concert business is there is absolutely no way to prove that the weed smell is coming from me.

   If you pay a 55-year-old chain-smoking divorcee named Babs to sit nearby and drink beer, Wii Bowling gets a lot more realistic.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example