Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...I feel like I just won the lottery.

   The hotel is mad at me for getting a haircut in the jacuzzi. Sorry for trying to look nice at a Holiday Inn.

   Just sang every word of Adele's "Someone Like You" and all this girl said was "Do you understand why I pulled you over?" Rude.

   This whole "Cup half empty, Cup half full" argument should state what is IN the cup before people start judging!!

   being chased out by Barzini and the rest of the Five Families...

   fellas..... If your favorite Whitney Houston song is "im every woman" then there is something wrong....smh

   guess I should've left.."Guest appearance on Cops" off my resume

   looking for a kennel for the kids, our vacation is coming up

   If I had known then what I know now I probably would have had another drink.

   The story of “how I met your father” is shorter than “how I met your mother.

   Johnny Bravo would be so perfect for Jersey shore.

   If I had an Australian Accent I would never shut up

   Welcome to Chris Brown FM, playing hit after hit.

   teasing mall cops by running out of every store at top speed. starting to enjoy the frisking...

   Women are an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum, tied to a riddle that baffles the mind of men. - William Shakespear

   To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction. Thanks haters.

   i was thinkin about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..

   I found the vodka… it was hiding in the orange juice!

   Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.

   Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Life is short, so PARTY we must