Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feel I could meet the woman of my dreams today. Hopefully not the one from the dream where I'm being shot at by a lady dressed as a clown.

   The problem with dating models is the handle of your toothbrush always ends up mysteriously smelling like throat.

   Can I be held legally responsible if someone gets injured while ROFL?

   A man is a man all of his life but a woman is only sexy until shes your wife. - A.Bundy -

   apologizing doesnt always mean ur wrong and the other person is right, just means you value ur realationship more then your ego.

   Collected few nice contradictory words in the past few days. I realised we seem to be using them randomly. -- 1. Clearly misunderstood 2. Exact estimate 3. Small crowd 4. Act naturally 5. Fully empty. 6. Free Gift

   taking the whole box of Oreos to your room because you dont want to make too much noise in the kitchen and wake someone up. end up eating the whole box because you have the munchies like crazy

   Looks like Madonna and I have something in common...Neither of us have ever sung at the Superbowl

   Some families argue over pizza toppings. We argue over who's gunna keester a balloon of dope for my Aunt when we visit her in Jail tomorrow.

   i'd give you everything if I knew you wouldn't take it.

   I think before a suicide bomber decides to blow himself up, he should smell puppy breath. I bet it'd stop almost all of them.

   Regardless of how much it snows...there is always a guy trying to drive around in his no-wheel drive camero or mustang

   so....has anyone else ever noticed....that Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born....I guess Kurt knew....

   It's always awkward to wake up at 5 am and t-pain is sitting on the edge of your bed..

   Great game Knicks...and I thought that Asians couldn't drive..

   Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder

   My girlfriend is out with her husband tonight. Of all the nerve!

   The Bible says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." It doesn't say anything about the one who lives across town.

   To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.

   Does anyone else think that when Tolkien wrote "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger" he just substituted "Wizard" for "Women"?