Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is a 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

   I'd like to thank my digestive system for getting rid of all the sh!t in my life, without you I'd be full of it!

   TGIF - Thank Goose It's Friday

   The Longest a man can hold out without eating is 4 months but me and my checking account are challenging that.

   A night of insomnia is always followed by a morning of browser history clearing.

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.

   I hate looking for a job almost as much I hate not having a job almost as much as I hate working. It's complicated.

   Ladies. dont jump to conclusions that your boyfriend is cheating just because he never wants you to look at his phone. Its probably just full of porn

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Thank you Facebook for giving us a home. Sincerely, ! and :)

   FYI...It is not 'Always Sunny in Philadelphia'!

   ok its almost March....all the people that joined my gym in January for their new years resolution can stop now, I'm tired of waiting to use machines

   I will be running in a 0.25 mile run in support of people with attention deficit disorder (aka Kardashin Dash)

   can't wait for Breaking Dawn Part 2, as Bella and Edward get hunted down by Blade! Perhaps that's just wishful thinking

   thinks that If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi

   When my kids piss me off, I show them a picture of Rosie O'Donnell and tell them that's their real dad.

   I let my dog drink out of the toilet & then lick me on the mouth because it's easier than eating Activia.

   Girls.. If you want him to treat you like a queen, first you have to treat him like a king...

   The phone rang & I tried to answer the stapler..Yup its friday..chug chug