Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we take away those long rods gas stations use to change their signs, gas prices will never go up again. YOU'RE WELCOME.

   Trying understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.

   Why do we feel safe under a blanket? It's not like a murderer will come thinking "I'm going to ki....Oh damn they're under a blanket!"

   The one reason I could never become a vegetarian....Bacon.

   Gas prices are so high...I saw a street gang doing a walk-by

   I'm so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee.

   my cat jus tryed to hump my dog, I guess its like hes wearing catnip goggles

   stocking up on lucky charms to use as confetti on st patricks day

   the best jobs are the ones that require sweats an flip flops

   That terrifying moment when your cat walks into the room, stares at something you can't see and runs away in a panic.

   Scientists say they will soon be able to repair our cells to where we can live to be 500+ years old. If I have to wait until I'm 470 to get social security, I'm going to be ticked off.

   Leap year on a hump day? Oh, the innuendo possibilities are endless...

   todays to do list.. 1) buy a sword. 2) name it kindness. 3) kill people with kindness.

   I no longer wish to share this nation's roads and highways with others.. Sorry for your inconvenience.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times,, and you are a weather man.

   The love of Money is the root of all evil.. For more information,,,, send $20 to me.

   schools require children undress in front of people,..i'm thinking thats pretty much a registered sex offender definition

   I think I'm getting lazier, I just paid a homeless guy a buck to tie my shoe

   My high school coach was just gunned down in the street....I told him to 'walk it off'

   Being fat is a constitutional right..take that Mrs. President