Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The man in the yellow hat has clearly lost control of our president

   presidents day is for reflecting on our forefathers and accomplishments by great men..or drink the day away thanks to our current recession

   operating a safe distance from genius this morning.

   Oprah donated her $ to build a school on another country tax free. Thats ok, no kids here need help..she celebrates presidents day by owning a president..Fweeeeeee

   Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

   if you're on a blind date and they ask if you're into furry handcuffs, and then admit they sometimes wet the bed... playing possum may not be your best choice of escape

   sometimes when I read certain things it's like having my eyes raped by stupidity.

   Got a flat tire... Pulled over to change it. Stupid guy says, "Did your tire go flat?" I said " No, I was driving along and the other 3 just swelled up!"

   I've got 99 problems, so I metaphorically placed each one in a luftballoon and then send them on their way to the horizon.

   parents are hypocritical.....your not supposed to take candy or food from strangers but what do they let you do every Halloween? not supposed to talk to strangers but every christmas they sit you on santa's lap so you can talk to him.

   I'm fine with it raining cats and dogs as long as it doesn't reindeer

   Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.

   I've got 99 problems so I metaphorically placed each one in a luft balloon and then started slamming beers on the wall.

   There has to be a way to combine Full Metal Jousting and driving. Bet I wouldn't get cut off anymore.

   Im hungrier than 4 biggest loser contestants stuck in an elevator wearing honeybun scented cologne!

   My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   nobody likes a stalker. it's what this chick was saying as I read her lips through my binoculars

   There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon

   Just Googled "Chris Brown" and now I have a black eye.

   Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it