Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if Americans took all that energy they spend insulting bieber and snooki and diverted it to the gym am sure you would be much happier and skinny

   My reputation as a ladies' man is a joke that has often caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I have spent alone.

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks, so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster....... SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Wearing a bra with tinny boobs is like carrying a wallet with no cash.

   What doesn't kill me, might make me kill you.

   Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.

   My friend Mary joined me for dinner. I had a petite filet and Mary had a little lamb!

   I wonder what possibly could a hot dog have done to receive such attention...

   I'm hungry .......I really need to hire a wife.

   The best part of wakin up!!!!,,, issss marijuana in your lungs!!!!!

   Best childhood memory? Falling asleep on the couch, then waking up in your bed the next morning..

   "faithbook" -Mike Tyson "Racebook?" -Scooby Doo "....." -Whitney Houston

   I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. "Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

   I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ¦)

   Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. Well, that explains Edward.

   My boyfriend thought I was great, but after nosing through my underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, he dumped me saying, "It's obvious, you can't hold down a job."

   I was enjoying my shower...until the Home Depot manager opened the curtains... then it turned awkward!

   My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.....

   There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. ...It's the Picabo ICU.

   I wish people would stop mocking my fat friend. She's got enough on her plate.