Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.

   Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.

   Boogity Boogity Boogity... Lets go racing boys!!!!

   No Gramma, It's not the Oompah Loompah show, it's Jersey Shore.

   I Wish they could take my sex longevity, bottle it and sell it

   I sure hope Flavor Flav remembered to set his clocks forward!

   Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They've obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.

   The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.

   What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort?!?

   Paper cut: A tree's one glorious moment of revenge.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.

   In Whiskey and Women… The young ones are fine, but I prefer the older ones — well aged and full-bodied.

   Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord.

   Lets get this right once and for all: There is NO such thing as a male purse.

   An acquaintance will buy you a drink; a friend will pay off your tab.

   Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke?

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included & a Girlfriend.

   I remember your face, and I even remember what we talked about, but what the hell was your name again?!