Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya you and 103 other creepers like that photo too!!!

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it. 

   I called Siri a bitch for messing up my request and my phone automatically started dialing my ex.

   I'm the kind of person who drinks hot chocolate and cappuccino in 90-degree weather and eats ice cream and drink ice slushies in 10-degree weather.

   Rihanna should date Lebron... he never beats anyone.

   Julian Assange(Wikileaks) gives private info. on corporations to you for free and he's the villain. Mark Zuckerberg gives your private info. to corporations for money and he's Man of The Year.

   What's up with Melissa Gilbert's prison tattoos?

   I'm so full of Love I poot out Heart shape bubbles...<3 <3 <3 <3

   Be advised, if you read a status from me pertaining to driving, that I have safely pulled the vehicle safely off the road to update said status. Why? Because dying on the job wasn't in the contract. That is all

   Kind of shocked more professional fisherman aren't driving metal flaked vehicles as well.

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.

   I guess "kick the bucket" will be the last think on my bucket list.

   Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."

   You get in the biggest fights with the people you care about the most, because they are the relationships you're willing to fight for.

   It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.

   I'm really starting to get concerned about the lack of seatbelt use on the bangbus..

   Did anyone ever consider Dr. Suess on some serious drugs when he wrote those books? A 6ft. Tall cat with a 2ft. Tall hat. I mean c'mon!

   Boobs are like the sun. Ok to look, but dangerous to stare. But that's what sunglasses are for.

   The one person you would take a bullet for is usually the one behind the gun.

   My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So I have to sit when I pee now.