Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   Gas prices are at an all time high. But the gov't is willing to up the mega millions jackpot to 640 million dollars. Someones priorities are F'ed up if you ask me.

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   I find it ironic that chicks are always attracted to a$$holes, but rarely agree to anal.

   I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO

   I'm not stupid enough to pay for phone sex. But my boss on the other hand....

   I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)

   I apologize sir, but we're all out of Mohicans.

   My wifes poor ovaries.. They keep producing eggs, like those Japanese soldiers on a Pacific island who don't know the war is over.

   My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..

   I just randomly chose 5 homes and placed "For Sale" "Open House Tonight at 6pm" signs in the front yards. Now I sit and wait for the fun to begin.

   Watched The Hunger Games. Got the munchies.

   fool me once shame on you..fool me twice Go F**K yourself!

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   Our Grandpa of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   People who say they don't know how to lie are lying.