Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can't find any Twinkie seeds. :/

   just wore tampon applicaters as earrings in the mall and no one noticed.

   i hope you're happy people..y'all jus sued your way into no cracker jack toy.. if your kid choked thats called natural selection, not have a retard an be a millionairre

   would it kill em to put a freakin superball in the lucky charms box?

   This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.

   why can they put enamel in paint but not on your teeth?

   Why are so many people obese these days? Because burgers are$.99 and salads are $4.99

   walmart should just start selling furnished trailer homes already. cha ching

   shopping for a butler monkey on craigslist

   bind people should hook up with burn victims, not only do looks not matter, they may be interesting reading too

   Lost his teddy bear.. Will you sleep with me?

   Just got through watching ''Black Swan".Thought it was a movie about nature turned out to be a softcore Porno.

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   SAVE ELECTRICITY; You wouldn't like someone to turn you on & then just leave

   I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....

   when vehicles start running on water, the world would be at Peace...

   In the future, when it is discovered that what doesn't kill you DOESN'T actually make you stronger, I want to be the first to inject Kelly Clarkson with copious amounts of cobra venom. Let's be real, Miss Independent.

   I think people get married just to get 'Likes' on Facebook.

   I'm pretty sure I'm "all that" it's the "bag of chips" that's in question

   SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.