Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....

   Give a man fish, and he'll eat for a day.. Give me fish, and I'll ask for chicken.

   Jesus may have rose from the dead on this day, but I'm having trouble just rising out of bed!

   Had a long talk with an alien today, good news; they won't be invading us.. They'll just move to Earth once we're all done killing each other...

   Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.

   Dont you sometimes wish that you could just click 'like' on someones 'like'?

   There's only three things I wanna win at 1) Life 2) beer Pong 3) Video Games

   Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.

   I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

   Oh, you dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Cool. I'll have a number 1 and hold the lettuce please.

   "I enjoy long walks on the b!tch." - a flea's online dating profile.

   Boy: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Boy: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.

   I'll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life, I'm going to "let cool in microwave for 1 minute".

   Man it has been too long since I last got laid. The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.

   If you are talking to me and I appear as if I'm attentively listening, I'm probably just silently correcting your grammar in my head.

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.

   Here is a dollar, go and call someone who gives a sh!t.

   Aside from Christmas, Easter is the best day to have Alzheimer's! You can hide your own eggs!

   my mom used to say "i dont want to hear a peep"...i just listened & that candy is very quiet

   Nothing ushers in the Spring planting season like the fresh smell cow crap emanating from the neighborhood....