Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's 12 inches and makes women wanna have sex? My hunting knife...

   I told my wife "you're like a drug to me." "Aww because you're addicted to me?" she said. "No because you're ruining my life" I replied

   I learn from the mistakes of others.... Who have taken my advice.

   The number one thing on my bucket list; not dying!

   I don't care what anyone says. MySpace is NOT dead. I just friended two hotties. Wilma and Betty. In ya face, suckas!

   I see this poor old lady slip over on some wet leafs today. Well I think she was poor, she only had £1.50p in her purse.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   Note to self: Feed lots of Mayo to the tuna first,,,,,,THEN butcher.

   4 outta 5 cannibals agree that vegetarians taste better..

   The new mouthwash I bought says "24 HOUR PROTECTION ....use twice daily"

   Being a single independent person means, you're not dependent to your family and friends too, is that right?!

   It's Awkward for men to buy Pads & for women to buy Condoms.

   two muffins are sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says "damn sure is hot in here isn't it?" the other muffin turns and screams "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

   When I'm having a day sometimes I go to WalMart and just smile and show off my teeth.

   Try and find me now Sucka!- bread tie

   Was thinking about ordering P90X, but I just had to take a knee midway through pouring a glass of sweet tea, so maybe I'll just go lie down instead.

   If you ever google Gary Oldman... don't forget the R... worst experience in my life!

   girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it

   Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

   Seriously! Just saw a Weight Watchers commercial on the Food Network... Really? That's like a Jack Daniels ad running on PBS.