Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I drive past a hitchhiker I feel kinda bad thinking maybe they're just liking my status.

   My auto-correct has the education of a free year old.

   Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.

   100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"

   Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.

   Sometimes when I pee I whip it out a little to aggressively and the urinal is all like, "Woh, big fella."

   Its so frustrating watching someone close to you make all the wrong choices & decisions...but I guess you need to sit back & let them learn

   Dear fad following teenage girls, could one of you at least clean the mirror before taking your photo, and we'd like to thank you all for showing us 1 disgusting bathroom after another. Love, the world.

   *Low battery* *Low battery* *Low battery* Well apparently you have enough battery to Remind Me every 2 seconds

   I bet the Chinese get excited when it's raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.

   "I'm not mad." - My wife when she's mad,,, Well,, actually EVERY woman when she's mad

   I just had a cup of coffee "So Bad",, that it actually played bass guitar for Nickleback........... Horrible coffee,,,Yuck,,Ptuuey..

   I'm taking my Bon Jovi sat-nav back to the shop.It keeps telling me I'm halfway there.

   Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?

   that whenever a bird craps on my windshield, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I am capable of.

   NEWS FLASH: The Bush's baked beans dog finally speaks out, says dogs actually hate Sarah McLachlan.

   It is a FACT: Girls with cats, are WAY more single than girls with dogs.

   Yes, I hate you,,, but I'm not in hate, with you.

   You can tell how well people cut their grass,, by the way they color things in,, on "Draw Something."