Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently! My son say's i'm not old skool, I am in fact lame......Well I was so shocked I could of thrown my walkman at him.

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

   if a cannibal eats a vegetarian does that count as a full course meal?

   There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time :)

   Just saw Steven Tyler in a Burger King commercial... There's no punchline. That in itself is funny.

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking.

   The power of the human brain is amazing!!!! Did you know if you pretend to take a salt shaker and shake it on your tongue, you will ACTUALLY taste salt???!!!

   Dude, you're driving a Jeep, surely you can take a speed bump faster than 4mph...

   Realizing that most human behavior can be related to that of the spermatozoa in which they came from. Everyone has to be first, in front, next in line. Look folks, you made it to the egg first, you're here now, just f***ing relax already!

   When you go down I go up, and I'm not talking about a seesaw either.

   Does anyone know any strippers that accept ATM cards,

   It's that time of the year again where the trees are having sex. I wouldn't mind it except my car seems to be getting the money shot and I'm the one who has to clean it up.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. I have to sit when I pee now.

   Best part of golf, Getting to wash your balls every hole.

   I'ma punch Cap'n Crunch on the roof of his gums if I ever meet him .

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...