Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey bartender, that piña colada you just made taste like SPF 40!

   I need a bigger grill. And I'm not talking about the gold bubba teeth.

   Starting tomorrow, every place I visit, I'm going to speak exclusively in double negatives. I'd do it today, but I'm not going nowhere.

   Jons Memorial Day Advice. Don't forget! • Burgers • Beer • Sun screen • Toothpaste • Cheese • Hot dog buns • 9/11 • The Alamo • Dre

   A childhood of Disney movies has left me sorely disappointed in the lack of spontaneous musical numbers in my life...

   Religious people believe because it makes them feel better; but thankfully there's booze for that.

   The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin is the most magnificent discussion you can ever have.

   HIM: “"Promise you'll love me forever." HER: “WTF?!? I don't even love you now.”

   If anyone secretly videotaped me yesterday go to 5:22:16. It's me trying to put on jeans after a massage

   Things to do: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.

   Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

   Build a barricade?! Crap, I thought you said build a bear arcade. Those bears are gonna be pissed when I tell them no more Cruis'n USA.

   For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

   Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy. Me: I know, right? Me: It's a sign of advanced intelligence. Me: High-5. Me: Word.

   Has anyone ever noticed the & symbol looks like a man dragging his a$$ across the floor?

   smoke free for 17,770 days now!!

   Ahh, Memorial Day. A day when we all stop working, start drinking and burn food in honor of our military who, coincidently, have to work…

   It's a tie...America 2...Towel He@ds 2

   I say that anyone who messes with America, is gonna get a good dose of Red, White, Black and Blue!

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.