Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anybody is interested in a job where you sit and drink beer, 3 hours a day, 2 days a week, for $8000 a week, contact me. We can look together.

   Nothing is worse than biting into a hot pocket than when your two front teeth slice through a gritty frozen meat ball.

   Whenever women make fun of me because I'm poor, it really hurts. Iv'e been poor my whole adult life. I can't help it if I have an earning disability

   I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach

   The saddest part of the recession is all of the laid-off workers at the C+C Music Factory

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   when the therapist asks about your relationship with your parents, just say "non sexual" that will answer them and keep them quiet for $100 an hour!! Well worth the facial expressions.

   "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife" [groom looks at bride], groom says "Is this the only time you never answer for me in front of everybody?"!

   That embarrassing moment when you shoot a three pointer at a dustbin and miss.

   Give a woman an inch and she'll laugh while telling all of her friends...

   girl I'm friends with on Facebook recently broke up with her boyfriend and now I know all the lyrics to Taylor Swift's first cd

   My ideal location to propose would be The Grand Canyon Skywalk...that way if she says "No'' I'll just push her over the bridge.

   Priscilla Chan is to Mark Zuckerberg as Yoko Ono is to ...

   It's all fun and games untill someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.

   My girlfriend doesn't like it when I talk about her weight, she thinks it's a heavy subject

   At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best.

   Before sliced bread, the best invention was food that didn't run away when you tried to eat it.

   Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.

   My blonde GF kept yelling out 43 days! 43 days! I finally asked her why she kept saying that. She said she finished a puzzle that said 4-5 Years on the box.