Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer.

   Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.

   •Keep the smile. •Leave the tear. •Think of joy. •Forget the fear. •Hold the laugh. •Leave the pain. •Be joyous till i. post again!.

   It's hard to trust someone who starts each sentence with "to be honest".

   I mean, I held a door open for a guy once, but everybody experiments in college.

   The heavyset woman walked with pace, clutching her purse, seemingly unaware that she was invisible to society. Muggers included.

   Got these new jeans made by children in a sweat shop. A friend asked, "Ed Hardys?" "No, Fed Hardlys".

   Which dwarf is Kristen Stewart playing in this new Snow White movie? Her face makes me think it's Sleepy.

   "Hold me." -Grudges

   Facebook seems like the best place to come out of the closet. If it doesn't go over well you can just say you were hacked.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.

   I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.

   Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.

   Three Muslims walked into a bar. I thought "Screw this" and left instantly.

   Cows are a bit like Jesus, the only difference is they turn grass into milk.

   Dance like you're naked. And thin. And pretty.

   Best magic trick I ever pulled was making a house a boat and two motorcycles disappear into bag of cocaine.

   I learned all my fighting moves from mortalkombat basically it's just me jumping and somersaulting until the other person gets tired&leaves

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..