Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2 words..... Fire Flies. you're welcome <3

   i know you guys want to remove timeline from Facebook, so do I but can you please stop sending me request for it!

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   Don't need to worry about zombies here in West Virginia....no brains.

   We're getting so obese, they've added new plus sizes.....Huge....Gigantic and Oh my God, it's coming our way.

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   When it comes to music...Rock...um...uh...ROCKS.

   ''Plus size'' Woman = Beautiful...."Plus size'' Man= Fat ass

   Like if you remember San francisco riding gear jeans

   Like if you remember British Knights shoes

   Some people should use glue stick for lip balm.

   Just treated my nostrils to a Brazilian!!

   .When the doctor said that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks, I actually saw a tear roll down the palm of my hand

   Ever wake up to an alarm and hit the alarm clock and the sound doesn't shut off...so you keep smacking it and just before you throw it against the wall you realize that it is your phone? That was me yesterday...