Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try to eat enough greasy food so that plaque can't stick to my arteries.

   What did the ocean say to the land.....nothing it just waved

   Beer commercials taught me good looking people like horrible beer.

   Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.

   Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?

   If there's one thing the internet has taught me over the years.... It's that alot of money would be saved during the deconstruction of old buildings if we just fired some angry birds at them.

   Why do people put their relationship status as " its complicated "??  We all know that means ur single but still doing ur ex.. why advertise that???

   Three words that can really really  crush a mans pride. "Is it in"?

   Single, taken, in a relationship; are all just terms. Your status is measured by your actions.

   If my love, honesty, and loyalty aren't good enough for you...the guy in line behind you would love for you to move on.

   I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

   Facebook says we're 'friends' ,but trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to kick you in the teeth.

   Sometimes I see people and think, "Is your face supposed to be like that?"

   Oh, he didn't reply to your text message and it's been 2 minutes? You should probably resend that.

   Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.

   Remember the days when you could push your friend in the pool and not worry if they had a cellphone in their pocket? Good times...

   Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡......

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called b*tches and hoes.

   Metta World Peace, a.k.a. Ron Artest, just wished everyone a Happy Labor Day on Twitter...........................

   "Hey, can you spot me, bro?" - Waldo.......at the gym.