Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm guilty of singing songs that I don't know all the words to, but for that 15 seconds I do know, I own that sh*t.

   Just put together some Ikea furniture without instructions and was able to build an extra table and two shelves with the parts I left out.

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   I know! I'll go on the Internet and complain! That'll fix everything!

   I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done

   Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

   I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

   The bad news: Tom Cruise is playing an 80's rockstar at nearly 50, Yikes!!!...The worse news: The only women old enough to play his groupies are Betty White & Barbara Walters! ツ

   It'll be awesome if Danica Patrick ever starts first so we can hear “Danica is on the pole!” over and over!

   Don't download the new Helen Keller ringtone. The volume on my phone was all the way up and I still missed 7 calls yesterday.

   I'm not desperate because i'm single, i'm single because i'm not desperate.

   Today is Flag Day...Where can I plant mine?:)

   Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.

   If Phil Collins doesn't sing 'Coming in the HAIR tonight' as he jizzes in a girl's face, then why is he even bothering to be Phil Collins?

   Sometimes I envy deaf people because they never have to tell someone to shut up.