Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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A wise man once said nothing. 
The way I just scratched my back on the orner of the wall, leads me to believe I would be a pretty good male stripper!!!
It's like these people at work don't even know who I think I am.
R.I.P. Rodney King! Guess at the end, some people got along....... stick to pull you out of the pool with...
I think I'm more shocked that rodney king had a swimming pool than that he is dead
R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!
Just to set the record straight! My Dad can beat up all your Dad's!!!
Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.
I want to be famous and make a cure that saves tens of people!
Happy Baby Daddy Day to all the guys that forgot to wear a condom.
*Moments Before Ending A Phone Call: "All right, cool, yeah, ok, haha yeah, I know right!, tomorrow, yep. later man. all right..bye" (click)
i hope to one day be important enough to have my own Wikipedia page...
For Fathers Day I made breakfast in bed for my dad. It's extremely hard to cook food while in bed, and now his bed sheets are ruined.
If anyone is having a bad day, remember that yesterday in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000
What makes women think a rapist is gonna wait around to be misted by tobassco spray you got in your purse, hell you guys cant even find your phone in there, and its ringing and vibrating...
The celebration of single moms on "Fathers Day" kills me! Single moms do some amazing things but keeping a man apparently isn't one of them.
when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar
If there's one thing Ripley taught me it was never trust a Droid - Team Apple
lesson to kids, dont play hide and seek at the bottom of the pool..
Pepper spray comes in different strenths, for women who are only semi serious about getting raped. 