Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

   My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.

   I think Christopher Nolan grew up on 60's Batman and his life's goal is to wipe it out...

   I think the NBA players should wear bubba teeth instead of mouth pieces.....talk about a poster.

   I do the same thing after pumping gas that I do after sex... (Sniff my fingers)

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   Thanks to black ops, I think I have enough knowledge to wipe out an entire city of zombies. just run around ina cirlcle.

   seriously science nerds. It's 2012; where's the calorie free booze???

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   Did not know Osama Bin Laden's son plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder!!

   I consider the word Dodge on the front of my truck fair warning to jaywalkers."

   Hey, wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? No? Nevermind."

   If you squint your eyes real hard this post looks likes it's in Spanish........ (ok, stop before someone see's you)

   When I call my parents, and they don't answer it's no big deal but when they call me and I don't answer it's like World War II.

   Don't go out there alone... Take this status update with you.

   If I was a cop and I pulled over a drunk driver, I would make them do the Macarena as their sobriety test.

   Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted. What you won't do, someone else will .

   hey rerun....ummmm, I mean stoner dudee. this is a website for new material, not yesterdays funnies.

   Just ran over my neighbor's cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe, right?

   Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else's.