Funny Status Messages

   I wish I was as nice to everyone as I am when I leave phone messages for complete strangers.

   Women claim to watch movies for the intellectual content.... please explain Magic Mike. It hasn't even been released yet, and I'm scared to sit in theater seats!

   Don't try to win over the haters, you are not the JURK wisperer.

   I find it suspicious that everyone's personal god has the same beliefs as they do.

   Here's wishing #Sandusky gets the "Jeffrey Dahmer" special

   It's ANYWAY. Not ANYWAYS. Seen the mistake too many times.

   Don't take life too seriously. Sometimes you have to learn to laugh at yourself. If not call me, I'll be glad to laugh at you :D

   I just saw a coupon for a "facial package"...totally got the wrong idea in my head on that one.

   Wow, ESPN hasn't mentioned Tim Tebow once today.

   You had me at: "I have an open bar tab."

   People who are on drugs don't worry me nearly as much as the people who should be.

   Bye bye "San-butt-sky"!!! 422 years won't be so bad...With good bahavior you'll be out in 200 or so...So long dirtbag!!!

   I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earings I wore in high school.

   Sandusky's soap on a rope will be used to cork his pie-hole to stifle his screams. Payback is a biatch.

   Don't be in a relationship if you're going to act single...

   When I see "sent from my iphone" I read it as "i'm on the toilet"

   My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.

   "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar." So? You can catch even more with manure. What's your point?

   Hey Jerry Sandusky, I hope Bubba treats you in prison like you treated those kids.

   I'm Canadian and ham is pig and bacon is bacon. Enough said.