Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment??

   I need an app that just screams "Put the phone down and go do something, idiot!" whenever I pick my phone up.

   Say no to drugs. But if the drugs you took are talking to you, then please share them with me.

   Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."

   the local weather: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullshit blowing in from all directions!

   does fantasizing about the cheerleaders count as "fantasy football"?

   I'm being blackmailed by my memory foam mattress.

   i often wonder why alice cooper never stared in a horror movie

   Oh great it's Summer...that means hearing about tomatoes for 3 freakin' months!

   Roses are red, Violets are red, Shrubs are red, Trees are red, OMG! My yard is on fire!

   There's always a wild side to an innocent face.

   Put a condom on your heart & f$ck your feelings.

   They say: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how old do you think Sandusky's boyfriend is?

   The bigfoot post was awesome. Pay attention people, this is the kind of stuff we're looking for!

   Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes.

   I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok.

   i think my Facebook friends are starting to think somethings up.. just not the same funny site..

   Having a rough day? Place your hand over your heart.....Feel that?..That's called Purpose. You're alive for a reason. Make it count.

   Girls FB Account: 47 Friend Requests, 17 Messages, 31 Notifications..........Boys FB Account: 1 Notification.