Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone.

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.

   Hunters, you shouldn't wear camo you should dress like cars. Deer will walk toward you and hope you kill them.

   A Smart Car would be good on gas, but I'd feel silly wearing it.

   It's been a while,,,,, Has Bono EVER found,,,, What he's looking for?

   I Always carry $40,000 cash on me at all times,, You know,, in case I ever feel like getting a sandwich while I'm in the airport.

   A shooting star makes a wish when it sees me.

   It is better to have loathed and lost, than never to have loathed at all.

   Some have illusions of grandeur. I have hallucinations of happiness.

   Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.

   If I knew then what I know now, there's no way I would have passed high school algebra.

   My man was wearing a ducati jacket riding on a suzuki... thats like having a benz keychain on a hyundai.

   Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.

   Dear U.S. Congress and Justice Department. How much body armor for our military troops could have been purchased with the $3 million of taxpayer money wasted on investigating and prosecuting a washed-up old ballplayer? Love, (fill-in your name)

   Best Fortune cookie ever: "Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application."

   people are so stupid now a days....I am now describing myself as having uncommon sense

   Sex is a great way to calm down after a long, stressful day at work. Being a good friend, I'm always available to provide relaxing support.

   I'm not into bestiality but sometimes I want to have sex with Sarah Jessica Parker.

   could really use a time machine to send me to the time before I started eating this whole pizza