Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear

   Had one too many lastnight! Woke up to my neighbor mowing his lawn! .....I don't care, I am not moving! He's just going to have to mow around me!!!

   I told my friend I think she needs a new doctor...I don't believe the technical term for a breast infection is a cheese nip

   ''Hey, How was your Blind date?'' ''Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!''......''What's so terrible about that?''.....''He was the original owner!!!''

   I have no respect for today's gangs! They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in ''West Side Story'', the gangs used to dance with eachother first!!

   Sex before marriage is one of the sins that Christians say 'no we'll let this one slide'

   The only reason I wear sunglasses inside bars is to protect my eyes from when women pepper spray me.

   New machine at the gym,,, Brilliant!! but I couldn't take any more after 30 mins,,,,,, It did everything: Kit-Kats, M&M's, Snickers, chips......

   These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee's, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!!!

   If they don't care, neither should you. It's that simple.

   It's so hot my watermelon melted.

   Update Yourself.. Not your status.

   women know if they want to have sex with a guy within the first five minutes of meeting. How long until they wanna cook?

   "50 Shades of Ray" – A sexy tale of Ray Charles' battle with glaucoma and slow transition into blindness.

   it's a crazy day when guys wanna see a movie about a teddy bear and girls wanna see a movie about strippers

   I'm going to take 3 hours to decide what bad movie I want to watch & then pass out

   Sometimes, I wish I had a husband to ignore & not f^ck so I could build a crafts empire.

   I did this weird thing once where I almost left the house happy.

   Making people uncomfortable really brightens up my day.

   You're not nearly as obsessed with me as you should be.