Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hurt my back playing golf today,I fell off the ball washing machine.

   Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

   I quit cold turkey, unless it's in a sandwich, but even then, I prefer to warm it up first.

   Best laid plans are not the best lay. Unplanned lays are best.

   "I am cleaning up my friends list" should be changed to "I'm notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me."

   Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics' album at 4am.

   Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.

   This girl says she wants to butter my muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry.

   My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!

   Don't call a woman's privates by a bunch of ridiculous nicknames. It taint funny…

   I just saw an entire ginger family walking their dog. You could see the shame in its eyes.

   Hey ugly girls, stop wearing sexy perfume, you're confusing my d!ck.

   Funny, this warrant doesn't feel so outstanding.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.

   And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human...

   I slid a piece of toilet paper into the next stall with "I can feel your heartbeat" written on it. You could hear a pin drop in here.

   I will not be happy until I get everybody thinking about my nutsack hanging out of my unzipped, yet buttoned jeans, every time they see

   He's making a list,, and checking it 42 times,,, then washing his hands 11x,, and finally touching the sleigh 3x for good measure...: OCD Santa

   I once said “a penny for your thoughts” to a girl and it cost me a dollar…