Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.

   Thanks Fox, but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school.

   No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   As for my solicitation of prostitution charge Your Honor, I would like it dismissed under of the Dire Straits "Chicks for free" act of 1985.

   Seems like everyday is some kind of cause, appreciation or event day. I think most are made up. Unlike today which is Ladies have sex with (name) day!

   the all star game was last night?? I didn't even know baseball season had started…

   I'm trying to think of a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon...

   Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one ''Just kill me already!!!''

   There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.

   TSA = Touchy Squeezy Abusers

   Silly prank: Transmit clips of backward devil talk to your neighbors' baby monitor at random times throughout the night.

   Wal*Mart now offers psychiatric treatment. I got out of there quick. I used the 10 issues or less line.

   wondering......how the HELL do they signal Batman during daytime....

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   Me and Megan Fox are fighting again.. I hate this..

   When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?", I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

   Women need a reason to cheat, men just need another woman.

   Always walking away from the chemist smelling f***ing awesome

   The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.