Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ecuador gave Julian Assange asylum because they're afraid he'll tell everyone which countries they think are cute.

   Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.

   My empty fridge just whispered, "When's Payday?"

   I love cooking for my man because it makes me feel both independent and oppressed at the same time.

   Kristen Stewart has the same face expression I have everytime I check in a hotel with no wifi

   Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.

   Nobody has enough cargo to need those pants.

   The guy who plotted for 18 years to kill his wife, obviously could have done with a little help from his wife to plan that sh!t.

   Babe, you're my bucket list.

   Wouldn't be surprised if Whoopi Goldberg's ass hairs are also dreadlocked.

   It'd be so much easier if you ladies wore @nal beads as necklaces, that way we would know up front you like ass play.

   I can tell how much weight I need to lose by whether I get hit on by a white, Mexican or bl@ck guy.

   You complement someone on her sexy adams apple and suddenly you are deleted and blocked.

   Did you guys know that the little boy from Panic Room was Kristen Stewart? Mind? BLOWN.

   Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it

   Hoping it's gonna be the kind of day when I take a book out a bookcase and it's a lever that revolves into a secret room.

   the economy is so bad, that hookers are now giving away toasters.

   he gets his morals from the men's room wall.

   B!tch please, life aint that short to have sex on the very first date.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought her back!