Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury.

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   republican read the story of "robin hood" backwards...they want to steal from the poor & give to the rich

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.

   "They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.

   i hope Boeing makes Romney a special plane with his windows that go down....its gonna be the short plane

   If things were to turn around, I seriously doubt that one cat would take in 26 old ladies.

   Keep your head high and your middle finger higher!

   It's national pancake day! Small breasted women are FINALLY happy!