Funny Status Messages

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different

   The thing about Truth is, it is always True!

   John Denver's “Rocky Mountain High” the new official song for the state of Colorado...

   I love strippers. They're awesome. Plus I can't get my girlfriend to do shi t for a dollar.

   Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your a$$hole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

   Marry the person who makes you forget about Facebook and thank them for saving your life.

   The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is DANCE BATTLE

   I think my virginity is growing back.

   Mitt Romeny's sitting in the dark somewhere drinking decaf and rubbing sweet and low on Sarah Palin's gums.

   I feel bad for the kids these days that see a cool toy on TV, but can't order it because their parents have to be over 18 to call.

   Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it's any consolation, I don't know what he ever saw in you.

   I haven't bathed in so long I'm starting to smell European.

   'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

   My friend who was being beaten by two guys saw me and he yelled "Are you just gonna stand there and do nothing?!". So I took a video and posted it on youtube.

   Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer? Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

   Yes, I will judge you by how you treat other people even if you're sweet as pie to me. Be kind or go to hell.

   I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

   What the hell is a 'stable relationship' and is it as horrible as it sounds?

   The perfect man is the one that can afford my therapy bills.

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.