Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy 237th birthday Marines!

   I am the Electrical Engineer. Bring it on....

   Two words: Bubble wrap. Two more words: Can't stop.

   What's the largest "Jousting Lance" I can attach to the hood of my car,,,, legally?

   Hey,,, People who drive old retired cop cars........ NOBODY likes you either.

   Well,, It took 40 years to finally figure out the answer to the "what do you want to be when you get older" question..................... Younger

   Well... It's taken 3 hours to glue a top hat & cane to this frog but still no "hello my baby, hello my honey" song & dance... Cartoons lie kids

   If you have a facebook page that features both you and your girl....you're a h0m0.

   It's alright to steal my status updates. However, I just want to let you know that I lick each one before I post it.

   Dear Statefarm Insurane Advertising Team, It's time to re-invent yourself thanks.

   A good girlfriend is like a good bra, she uplifting, she is supportive, she fits you well, and she is always close to your heart.

   If the head of the CIA (Petraeus) can't keep a secret such as cheating on his wife, then they're screwed.

   Sometimes I drop things and I'm too lazy to pick them up, like pencils, or my hopes and dreams.

   People are saying the voting age should be 16. Twilight won 9 teen shoice awards. You really want them voting for the next president?

   Biggest lie I tell myself: "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.

   You can keep retaking all the photos you want but that's just what your face really looks like

   It's Friday night and you're sitting at home on Facebook? HAHAHAHAHAHA same

   The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.

   It's easier to fall asleep in class than in my bed at home.