Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.

   What did the elephant say to the naked man? I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, “Will you be putting this up yourself?” “NO YOU SICK CRAZY NUT!! I'm putting it up in my living room!”

   When you DIE, your True friends will cry. While your Best friends will collect 7 Dragon Balls, just to bring your life back...

   The Gap always emails me at 4am. Go to bed, Gap. You're too drunk to tell me about free shipping.

   Does law enforcement ever look down at their utility belt and think, "I'm not batman, what the fuck am I doing with all this stuff?"

   ''Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox.'' - Said no woman ever

   Before he tweeted the Pope had half a million followers, religion in a nutshell.

   Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604

   Finally, the first snowfall of the season. Now I have a valid reason for blowing through the traffic lights.

   dating a girl with kids is like starting a video game with another mans saved game

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   I always keep an emergency $25 gift card in my back pocket for those unexpected gifts that I get from people I wasn't expecting to get a gift from..

   I made the mistake of getting my girlfriend an ipad mini for christmas. Now ipad gets more facetime than me. :(

   Just once I'd like to see a random stranger gut-punch the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   WEIRD FACTS: If a cockroach touches a human, it runs to safety and cleans itself.

   My girlfriend said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   Farted on the bus, 4 people turned around, felt like i'm on "The Voice"