Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   Your vag is like an elevator. Everyones gone up in it.

   Women are NOT difficult to understand.................. They're impossible to understand.

   Get rich or die trying. If all else fails, start your own church.

   Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

   So thankful for Facebook! Otherwise I would have to call 563 people every morning to let them know that I just ate breakfast

   Nicki Minaj, a judge on American Idol we are being Punk'd right?

   Being strong-willed does NOT mean I am a b itch. It means I am in control of my life, stick to what I believe in and do NOT rely on anyone but myself.

   Baby, I would take a bullet for you... In Halo 4... Unless I'm on a kill streak.

   there another Harbaugh brother out there who the Bengals can hire? I'd even settle for a cousin.

   my brain is like a prison....has all those cells & they dont all get used all the time

   Major cold front heading our way with significant wind chills... shrinkage is imminent

   I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

   well, my wife got her annual breast x-ray today and my suspicions were confirmed. Slinkys...

   who pays for the electric bill for light at the end of the tunnel??

   I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

   joy, now we get to spend the next 2 weeks hearing about the Harbaugh brothers...

   I missed the zombie apocalypse um... er.... I mean Inauguration today...

   Nothing is more conflicting to men than an ugly woman with a really nice a$$.

   why does every ginger thinks she looks like Daphne from Scooby Doo??