Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.

   It's true. Girls just want to have fun. And ruin your life in the process.

   Just saw a homeless woman eating cat food. I really felt bad for her. She couldn't even Instagram it first.

   my water bottles are so thin it feels like I grabbed a water balloon with a cap. Hand me that piev

   Why is everyone making a big deal out of the lance armstrong thing. It's not like he cheated at a sport or something jeez...

   It's really kind of sad we live in a country where we are the most entertained, yet the less informed.

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was stoned I ended up in a hedge.

   I have a confession too Oprah. For years I have been stealing s tatuses from all over the Internet and passing them off as my own original thoughts.

   Now that Lance has come clean, maybe he's qualified to be elected to the House or Senate..

   A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up

   Now that Lance has come clean, I guess he's qualified to run for election in the House or Senate..

   I have a confession too Oprah...

   Manti T'eo is guilty...of being the biggest dumbass in the world...

   So Subway's Foot Longs are actually only 11 inches. Hang on while I get my calculator and figure this all out....I've had this many subs over the past several......okay got it...Subway, you owe me a Ten Mile sub.

   FarmersOnly.com. Now there's an alternative to Ancestry.com to meet your cousin

   "Don't bother to ever clean your car. Febreeze vent clips allow you to be as digusting as you want, and you'll never smell it. Why not crap in it?" (The message I got from the commercial. Idiocracy, here we come...)

   Matching socks ain't nobody got time for that

   Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to an ugly fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!

   CSI never ceases to amaze me. They are inside and they look all around with flashlights...flick a light on. Now I'm watching and they are outside in broad daylight using their flashlights looking at a puddle of blood.