Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

   Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?

   The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

   TIP: If you try to make a smoothie for lunch........ Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

   One time I farted so loud in my sleep they had to stop the bus...

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   My family treats me like a GOD,,,,,, They only talk to me if they want something

   Theres no I in team....but there is in TIM, because Carllos calls him "Teem"!

   My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.

   The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   It turns out if a person looks into your eyes for more than 6 seconds without blinking, he/she wants to either kill you or have sex with you.

   Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since Friday.

   When a woman asks "does my bum look big in this?",she already knows it does, she has eyes. Don't even try to answer, flee the scene & hide.

   Wife: Have a super terrific day pumpkin head. Me: You too poop face. Yes we have this marriage thing locked down.

   Hey "Celebrity Chef", why don't you whip me up a sandwich and go f you c k yourself.

   Being fat is over weighted.- Elmer Fudd

   It doesn't matter how old we are, from a young child to an adult. When your parents praise you about something, even if it may be the smallest of things, it always makes me smile, realizing I have made them proud in some way.

   when someone tells me I can't do something, I try 100% harder to prove them wrong.