Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to have three children.. One girl, named Stacey, so my wife can be Stacey's mom.. And she will have it going on.. One boy named Luke, so I can say "Luke, I am your father." and one more boy named Sparta.. So I can introduce him 'THIS IS SPARTAA'

   n't it ironic that the wife of the president who failed to rescue embassy personnel is giving an award for a movie about the successful rescue of embassy personnel?

   WAITER: Did we decide? MY DATE: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. ME: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot and fresh out the kitchen.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as Harry Potter's wand.

   W hite people will do any stupid thing they are told to do over the intercom at a sporting event.

   Nothing tests a woman like having to stop talking for 2 f uckin minutes whilst she’s brushing her teeth

   I wonder if asparagus makes my jizz smell funny too...

   Bless you P ornhub for your categories. Some days I'm feeling the MILF's, somedays the gang b ang. It's like the Baskin Robbins of por n.

   Just once I would like to be summoned by a king, or a wizard, instead of the courts.

   I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?

   Now there is some minister in Missouri setting up a "toy" gun buyback program.. I'm sure all the old folks are gonna be happy this summer when they are spared from being victimized by random squirt gun fire....

   "the artist formerly known as Pope."

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   I'm surprised nobody ever complained that the grape dude in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is black

   What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches

   congratulations to trayvon martin -exactly a year today staying out of trouble

   I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you'd be a fool not to.

   Just heard a guy spent his whole $1000 tax return at the strip club in 1 night. Why do I always miss the cool parties?

   I'm so hungry I could eat an Ikea meatball.

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad