Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Why is Justin Bieber so pale?" "Because there's no sun in the closet"

   Dear Youtube, I can deal with Ads. I can deal with Buffer. But when Ads Buffer, I suffer!

   I am having so much fun and enjoying my life right now that I would be really pissed if I were to die.

   Happy Single Guys Day everyone....................Palm Sunday.

   Most people's religion or faith has a switch which they can conveniently switch on and off whenever it suits them.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   nobody, and I mean nobody has less street cred than a brother named Cody...

   I don't think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.

   You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.

   I'm a really nice guy before you get to know me.

   as a kid my mom used to tell us kids "i dont want to hear a peep"....i just listened to the easter basket & I dont hear anything

   Have you ever slept so hard that you worry about whether or not the creases on your face will go away?

   I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.

   "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

   Hush little laptop dont you cry mommas gonna find you some more wifi

   if your hot enough, being crazy won't effect luring a man in

   better to let people know you're crazy up front than to be an imposter

   Ladies, hide the crazy while you lure us in...JS

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullshit.

   Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.