Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jokes aside, North Korea needs to be stopped.

   To really scare Kim Jon Umm the U.S. should station a Carnival cruise ship off the sea of North Korea

   JAB. I'd of been a success by now if my mind would of come up with a trillion dollar idea already. . .

   if Bill Gates was to die & go to hell, would that make him the "Gates of Hell"?

   Roger Ebert just gave his doctors two thumbs down...

   Instead of facebook showing you a list of people you may know maybe it show you a list of people to avoid.

   Really sucks how the "Law" makes me wait until after 11pm to smash my bass guitar playing neighbors face in.

   Hey, you don't have to file your tax returns if you think the President's an a$$hole, right? Asking for a friend.

   I took Nyquil and Dayquil. I forgot how to tell time.

   I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still here.

   Getting drunk and waking up in strange places is the only kind of vacation I can afford.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   The doctor said I have to start watching what I eat and drink. Today, I watched a ham and cheese omelet, a bacon cheeseburger, a large french fry, a frosty, and now I am getting ready to watch a meat lovers pizza and a cold brew...I got this covered doc.

   Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.

   The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   please tell me what expression I had that made you talk to me so I can change it...

   For some people its, "Started from the bottom I'm still there"

   I can’t control you're being an idiot, but I can control whether or not you’re on my friends list.

   I thought Canadian was a religion.

   You wanna know where I'm ticklish? Hawaii.