Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they're just nodding and thinking about pancakes.

   Emo kids can't wait to reach puberty so they can cut themselves shaving.

   I see people are still talking about their spirit animals. They put mine to sleep so I can't go in on that one.

   People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is.

   Poss reasons for weight gain 1) cows switched to fullfat grass 2) pizza's not a veg now 3) my hips are pregnant 4) eat too much*

   I hate when the guy seated next to me on the plane falls asleep and his azz starts to snore.

   Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is

   thinks that girls who say they're comfortable with their body may as well say "why bother taking care of myself"

   Pot luck means bring a bag of chips right?

   Westly Snipes should have never gone to prison for a misdemeanor convection! How about locking up some of the bankers who crashed the economy?

   Because the brilliant automakers in Detroit decided to put the dimmer switch on the turn signal and call it a “smart stick”....and THAT’S how I managed to get my foot stuck in the steering wheel..and I am sticking with that story until photographs s

   JAB, Can you only imagine how many people not on our friends list who are doing the same thing we're doing. Ignoring each other, it's been good ignoring with you.. have a good evening. . .

   The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake.

   Doctor: Does insanity run in your family? My friend: Yes, my husband thinks he is the boss. :)

   Throws book at someones face* "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!" "I just Facebooked you" :)

   I would bet you $50 Gary Busey calls his nipples Gary-olas

   Apparently, Kim Jong-un wants to meet Seal Team Six....

   Met Taylor Swift at the airport this morning and complimented her on her dress. Now she's sitting in a tree outside my window in a wedding dress with a guitar..... This can't be good!!!

   Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".