Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its not you, it's how you don't make me sandwiches.

   Anyone else thinking they should drop Mike Rice into North Korea, just to get the ball rolling already?

   Interesting what people will do for money. Noteworthy what I'll do for free beer.

   I hate it when someone says 'Get on my level', cause how do I know what level you're on? Do I go up or down? Because I'm on level 78.

   If North Korea was to attack USA with a nuclear missile, which state do you think they should hit. Asking for North Korea.

   Went trolling on a dating website. Caught 7 trolls...

   The worst STD you can get is a kid. That 1 doesn't go away for at least 18 years.

   They dont want you to know marijuana....but I do :)

   Haikus confuse me-Often they do not seem to make sense-Pass me the pliers

   Life is like a high tide....But no matter how low or high the tide is, we gotta keep on surfing. The tide is high and I'm moving on!!

   Sir-Mix-A-Lot wasn’t even that clever. All babies have backs.

   The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you

   Do I need to pee on you to mark my property? Cause I will.

   RIP, Roger Ebert. Michael Bay can't hurt you anymore.

   People that believe internet gossip are the same dumbasses that keep the Kardashians famous.

   You can stay, but your clothes must go.

   Started out with nothing and still have most of it.

   Told my dealer I wanted a sh*tload of Coke but auto-correct changed it to shipload now I owe a Colombian cartel 18 million dollars.

   Bacon is the fried chicken of white p eople!

   Hey ladies who say you like it when a man chokes you during sex. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he is just checking for an Adam’s apple?