Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.

   Which Playmate is in charge of sorting Hugh Hefner's pills?......'cause you KNOW that's an all day job....

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Going to Mexico. What outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   I've recently nicknamed my girlfriend 'auto-correct', because she constantly tries to interfere with what I want to say.

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.

   Friday instantly puts you in a good mood...

   Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."

   I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.

   Nobody cares if you’re going to bed or woke up on Facebook, unless it’s with them.

   You like Justin Bieber? Well good for you! I like the smell of my own fart, but you don't see me bragging about it.

   I came so hard earlier today my index finger is still bragging about it

   It's like my bank account doesn't understand me.

   So you say you’re fat because you had children. What did they taste like?

   How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude