Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know

   CRAP!!! I just dropped my Android, are you guys alright?

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   I hate texting people first. I feel awkward, annoying and unwanted

   "Please don't put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby

   Anything you can do I can do drunker.

   Call me old fashioned, but I don't want anything to do with a woman that can't lick her own nipples

   If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.

   Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL Draft thing...

   Who lied to you, people who call themselves beautiful?

   Not all guys want multiple girlfriends at the same time... 1 is enough trouble.

   I am woman! Hear me babble until you zone out and then get pissed because you weren't paying attention. Roar.

   I can say everything I will ever need to say to you with one finger.

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel.... (leans in close).. You gonna arrest Jesus?

   After knocking all the mens hats off, Bill was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to"........

   If I ever say, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I'm talking about eating healthy food or doing exercise and sh*t.

   Child protective services? Who's protecting the parents Huh? WHO'S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

   This wine tastes like I don't really want a job.

   I wanna be the reason you lose sleep at night, call in "sick" to work the next day, and then question your morals for the rest of your life.

   I smoke cigarettes so that people will walk up to me and talk about death.