Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there's one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it's... "Goonies never say die!"

   My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.

   Burned 800 calories jogging my memory today.

   A Gary Busey can lose up to 30 000 teeth in its lifetime.

   When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

   Sure, I'll attend your expensive pre-divorce ceremony

   Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.

   I just read the "100 things to do before you die" list.... I'm kinda surprised that "call 911" didn't make the cut.

   I bet it's confusing for gays with walk-in closets. You're in, you're out, you're in, you're out.

   When asked if I'm a cat or dog person, I always reply. 'It depends,, what wine are you serving?'

   In the same way I don't wanna know if my neighbor likes being a Chinese finger cuff , I don't wanna know if you are Gay. I don't really want to know anyone's sexual preferences. Who CARES if you are straight Gay or Bi? Keep it to yourself and your partn

   Im not saying dont trust the internet, I'm just saying that there is a huge discrepancy in the number of Ipads I won verse the number of Ipads I actually own

   I ain't talking about Floyd when I say I love May weather.

   Not sure if my bed is calling me or if its the girl I left handcuffed all day

   women stay in shape so they can be trophy wife milfs

   Frnd : did you watch Barcelona v/s Bayern... ME : No.. I don't like to watch p orn !!!

   What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

   I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."

   I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...

   I don't need a therapist. I already have a bartender.