Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Behind everyone's favorite song, there is an untold story

   I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something....... I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes

   Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)

   "DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube

   I asked my girl, Can we make a baby? She text back and said, Ok... it's not just for money during tax season right?

   Tim Tebow is fired the same day a NBA player announces he's gay. Cinco de Mayo must be coming up

   If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick…My girlfriend.

   切是食品 means "cutting food" not "everything that moves is food" sheesh.

   If por n has taught me anything it’s that if you’re going to put anything in your mouth, you better spit on it first.

   the new b ush library has one wing dedicated to weapons of mass destruction but no one can seem to find it..

   I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.

   How about we start being thankful everyday,,, then have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?... It could even be tied somehow to Festivus

   I wasn't speeding officer, but I passed several people who were!

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.

   Does hearing voices in my head qualify me for driving in the car pooling lane?

   In the bathroom, even the shampoo bottle becomes interesting.

   I'm having a funny withdrawal. Someone please post something hilarious soon or I'll have to check into detox

   I wish I was the hot friend.

   Today i'll fix the mistakes I made yesterday and tomorrow i'll fix the mistakes I made today