Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shooting pool and darts are just sports for alcoholics.

   Microsoft really can't count. Windows 95, 98, 2000, 7. Xbox, Xbox 360, Xbox 1.

   hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*reads box* oh,,, this is Synonym Toast Crunch

   Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news, his ring is missing.

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.

   I have so few friends that I think I just gave myself an intervention.

   There are a few people I'd like to go to bed with but I can't think of a single person I'd like to wake up with. Too honest?

   In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.

   Scientists have predicted that the human race will be no more in 10,000 years. All I think is that with what happened this afternoon in Woolwich - good!

   i wish that I had jessie's girl...=(

   your outfit makes you look like a stripper. A high end stripper for governors and athletes, but a stripper nonetheless.

   What the world needs now...is more toilet paper...because there is just too much bullsh*t floating around.

   Got a paper cut and didn't cry this time...Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

   What girls age 18-22 lack in personality and sexual skills, they more than make up for by being incredibly gullible and naive.

   She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.

   A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

   There should be support groups for women that are nervous abouth their next Bra purchase.

   Audley Harrison has announced he's to come out of retirement after managing to knock out a w*nk.

   Apparently there was a big misunderstanding yesterday, between me and the cute little Japanese girl that was cutting my hair. as I explained to the officer, How was I suppose to know what she meant when she asked me if I'd like a "brow job".

   Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don’t work out.