Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.

   I have a stalker. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced. She's been doing this ever since we got married.

   I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.

   you can run from your problems, unless your problem is a cheetah

   I hate arrogant people. It's like they think they're better than everyone. No one is better than me.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?

   Yes, I'm a tool. A drill. Just ask my wife's friends.

   Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year- old

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I didn't say you were stupid, I said that "i see a pole and body glitter in your future"

   It's Friday! That means just two more days until Monday.

   my ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   The girls who say that what all guys want is sex are usually the ones who have only that to offer