Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Prince William is 100% royal, and Kate Middleton is 0% royal... is their son the Half-Blood Prince?

   Sorry, but I prefer the 8lb, 6 oz prince who wrote "When Doves Cry."

   Trying to watch Ellen but the picture is shaky. Pisses me off because Michael J Fox is on today, and I like him.

   As I get older, I've learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I'm drunk.

   "Which would make a better theme song for Anthony Weiner?: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground or my personal favorite, Here We Go Again?"

   Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   A narrow mind and a wide mouth usually go together.

   Did you know men have PMS, too? Yeah, Piss and Moan Syndrome.

   there should be a breathalyzer app on my phone to prevent thos late night texts that I always regret sending.

   It’s almost August and I’ve accomplished nothing.

   there should be a breathalyzer app on my phone to prevent those "late night texts" that I always regret in the morning.

   Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things

   i got so drunk I went fishing and caught a sharktopuss

   With the over-abundance of retards running around, you'd think their buses would be longer.

   It's so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.

   i love going to church. especially when they pass around free money

   I'm going to take you to the cleaners... After that, the bank & grocery store. Then possibly Arby's? It's totally up to you

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   Anthony Weiner is still sexting... really, who cares??? However, if my last name were weiner and I had a son, I totally would have named him "Gigantic"