Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had some dear friends come to me questioning my morels... I'll come clean... I really don't know what kind of mushrooms these are...

   If you can't prove it, I didn't do it. Unless you liked it.

   Friday is like the bacon of the work week salad, and yes, Monday is like the brown lettuce

   So you go to college to get a job so you can have a job to pay for college. Then you spend all your time at work and end up with no time to live the life you're working for....Ok...interesting plan.

   Being gay is the ONLY sin people focus on. Cursing? Sin. Sex before marriage? Sin. Sins are sins. Y'all too judgmental. that's also a sin.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ben Affleck is cast as the next Batman, while Bradley ("Chelsea") Manning may appear in the next eX-man movie.

   I make money, to make money

   I married the Stevie Wonder of interior decorating.

   Remember kids, never ever buy meth from a person with a full set of teeth. He is obviously an undercover cop.

   If you can't be with the one you drugged, drug the one you're with.

   If you love something let it go. Great, now it's gone. Why did you do that? You loved that thing you idiot.

   If I had a dollar for every time I used a phrase incorrectly, then you don't deserve me at my best.

   What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.

   Ladies call me Adobe Updater because every time I pop up they're like ugh not now

   My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.

   Hey ladies, a reminder that anyone with a single brain cell knows that being skinny has absolutely nothing to do with being pretty.

   Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.

   If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne.

   I'm a male so my hobbies include not listening when you talk to me and consistently forgetting birthdays and anniversaries.

   Nothing's a bigger turn off than a chick who pretends to be a sports fan. You either are or you aren't. Leave it be.