Funny Status Messages

   Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.

   Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me

   It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.

   If you were a hobbit, your name would be Douche Baggins.

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.

   Congratulations to the new Miss America! Now please answer your phone, I need tech support.

   Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

   I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."

   My girlfriend just asked me to make her feel special. So I gave her a helmet and a box of crayons.

   don't you just love those who have no education who spout their ridiculous uninformed views all over the place?

   Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.

   I never trust the emotional stability of women who wear Mickey Mouse shirts.

   What kind of wine goes best with laundry?

   You'd think when a movie lists the cast "In Order of Appearance", they'd go from best-looking to ugliest but no...

   I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.

   I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.

   Instead of not giving a sh*t, working from home has allowed me to have a great conference call with Senior Management while taking a sh*t.

   Definition of "irony" getting pregnant on a pull-out couch

   Addicts Anonymous. How may I help you?" "Can I speak to the cocaine councillor?" "Can you hold? He's on another line at the moment

   Girls, what's your deal with your birthday? You get one day, not a week, not a month. Get over yourself...