Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I spilled beer on your baby.

   People that can sleep with their clothes on are the real psychos.

   I make my decisions like I make love. I don't, because I'm married.

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   Somewhere out there a woman just called the football a “weird ball thingy” as a man sits nearby contemplating the consequences of murder.

   If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.

   This woman can cook up a storm. I think after dumping her I am going to offer her the job to be my personal chef.

   I sure hope they get the NJ boardwalk fixed in time for hurricane season!!

   Your girlfriend brings all the boys to the yard because she always swallows.

   You're never going to satisfy someone who doesn't know what they want. That's why I always get the assortment cookie pack.

   I forgot to put on my bike shorts before riding today. That really chaps my a$$!!

   I think I've mastered the art of walking around the parking lot for an hour pretending not to be looking for my car

   Back when I was a kid, there was no internet.....So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a c&%t

   to the burger king employee, with the man Mayo. if you want to make 15 dollars a hour get a real job

   To the man who does not want me to make $15 an hour at Burger King.....that wasn't real mayonaise

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth...

   If you come in late to work you must leave early to make up for it.

   Just wondering how the Monkeys got infected with the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, in the first place

   "One, two, Freddy's comin' for you... Three, four, you'd better lock your door..." oh wait, wrong holiday!

   Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.