Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the lesson outweighs the regret: it was worth it.

   Every woman has a psycho gene inside her. It just takes the right mix of alcohol and man to bring it out.

   Remember: It isn't murder unless they find a body. Up until then it is only a missing person.

   Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.

   God put a woman in the bible and sheruined the whole book in the first chapter

   I was wondering why my pants felt so comfortable till I realized they were still in the drawer.

   Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

   Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.

   Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.

   I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

   hroughout the shutdown if you need someone to ignore your basic needs while taking a sizable percentage of your earnings, I’m here for you.

   I have ADHD so bad that I should probably never throw a boomerang.

   The look you give to someone who is naked is a lot different from the look you give them with clothes on. . .

   Now, show me on the doll where the Government touched you...

   Apparently a swizzle stick is NOT a wand. Further, I have been advised by the bouncers that I will henceforth be unable to go “Bippity Boppity Boo” on anyone else’s arse tonight.

   Based on their music alone, I think it's safe to say that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

   Did we try giving the government a snickers?

   I think the government needs to create a "dollar menu". Might not be "Healthy" , but It definitely saves money.

   Two difference between humans and animals: the power of talking and lying.