Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the Government shuts down who will spy on me?

   Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.

   First scoop of Mars soil contains 2% water, now all we need is malt, hops, and yeast and life would be all good.....

   And on the 8th day god created female hormones. Then the female destroyed that day.

   With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you'd think they could fly...

   This morning when I put my underwear on the fruit of the looms guys were laughing at me.

   I've lost love, money, and my mind on occasion, I don't care. But It would kill me if I lost the ability to laugh at myself.

   My girlfriend wears the pants in our relationship...I just take them off of her.

   Just watched a twerk video that made me wish I was Stevie Wonder.

   With great power comes no accountability.

   Sooner or later I’m going to sleep with the wrong woman and wind up dead…or worse married.

   Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it's a survival thing.

   Face down, a$$ up. That's how I tie my shoes.

   I only log in my Facebook page to not forget my password.

   After what happened in the Kenyan mall I have no doubt now that Islam is a religion of pigs and muhammed was a fagggot

   People that are against smoking pot are the ones that need it the most..

   If your drug dealer is always on time, he's a cop

   Why do chicks say that they can count the number of dudes they been with on one hand?? B*tch you ain't got 20 fingers on one hand..

   I'm hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.

   The wife put dishwasher tablets on the shopping list. Damn, if I'd known that's what it took I'd bought her the pills sooner