Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"

   Do people that go outside know they could die and stuff?

   Please, always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   Science is for people who like to think about what's being told. Religion is for people who like to be told what to think.

   My wife likes to talk during sex. Stuff like: "Why is the bathroom door locked?!?" and "What are you doing in there?"

   Angry sex is way better than an angry blow job.

   Always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   The only reason Barbie never got pregnant, was Ken came in a different box.

   Jesus says to John come forth I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

   My pregnant blond girlfriend found out she was having twins, she started cry, and said I don't want to wait 18 months for twins to be born.

   Voting is like pressing the walk button at an intersection. It doesn't change anything, but if you wait long enough you'll get the white guy

   I Shout out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention.. Stay classy!!

   If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

   Men underestimate us we reach our full potential which is crazy illogical overeactions.

   If you are someone who insists on talking on the phone rather than texting, I’m sorry but, we can’t be friends

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.

   everybody is believing the Facebook privacy policy. Doesn't matter, the NSA owns it anyway.

   When I see a a piece of bruised fruit at the market, I hold it close, give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"