Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My haiku for the day: Please this is tourture, evaluate your bitstrip, you don't look like that.

   Women need to be touched by their partners twenty times a day; men need ten times! they get the extra ten from their imaginary lovers.

   Siri, when is Jesus coming back?

   Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.

   It seems all the girls in my school decided to go as a 21 yr old with low self esteem and daddy issues. Must have been weird for them to all have the same costume on

   Most problems can be solved with Nudity

   Nothing worse than getting drunk and slipping and falling into a relationship.

   I'm thinking about asking Nicholas Cage to be in my daughter's Christmas play for $15 and lunch

   An organization can be famous for being a bad example.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper that says "snacks".

   No Officer, that's medicinal gasoline and matches.

   Somewhere, Somehow a guy is with his "girlfriend" spending his payday money, but last weekend she couldn't be with him bcoz she told him she was "sick" or something

   Those girls who give you a hug just because you know one of their friends. Heaven was made for people like you.

   Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.

   This fish I got from the fisherman is off the hook.

   Can't believe people still go to the gym when they can just post it as their status and go have ice cream instead.

   Sitting at my desk wondering how long I can get away with wearing my Halloween costume. I dressed up as the Obama-Care Website. #NotWorking

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now.