Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits

   Be thankful for who you are, because there might be someone out there who wishes to be you.

   I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ

   I like to hold my wifes head under the covers and loudly exclaim"Release The Kraken".....then loudly fart

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.

   Sea salt is healthier only because it gets stuck in the holes of the shaker and you can't actually put it on your food.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue,,, This court finds you guilty, So I'm jailing you..... (poetic justice)

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   It:always Halloween at your house with all those skeletons in your closet.

   I'm sorry Charlie Brown, but your mother is dead.... Turns out, she had a trombone lodged in her throat and eventually just suffocated to death

   I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.

   It has been 24hours since I downloaded BBM on my android phone and still not a single woman has hit on me yet. I thought BBM is where all the sluts are at.

   How many of you have gotten into some serious trouble with your partner because of a comment made by some wayward fool on your FB status or wall?

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said *how* the person died.

   You sir,,, Are a "lactose intolerant person with bee allergies".. In my, "Land of Milk & Honey"..

   Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.

   Thank you for the $50 gift card to Whole Foods. I will cherish this organic apple.

   Obamacare: Just another government handout; this time forcing the funding by tax payers through the threat of penalties for non-compliance.