Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidently grabbed the wrong shopping cart at Walmart and I'm hoping this kid stops crying because I am not going to raise a crybaby!

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food

   If a room is spinning, it doesn't mean the world revolves around you... you may have just had too much to drink....

   Im a veteran, not a veternarian...... I dont speak parrot!

   TV commercials always portray white guys as dorks but we own 99% of America so I guess we're even...

   The next person that asks me if ex Salvation Army employees count, gets punched in the throat. Unbelievable

   Affordable Care Act "aka Obamacare"...........Affordable but ONLY if you make 10k + a month!!

   African Americans sure do enjoy stabbing and shooting each other at their award shows for each other.

   The closer I get to the toielt, the worse I have to go. It never fails

   The best drinks in life are free.

   Wife is forcing me to sit through the Country Music Awards. This is my suicide note.

   Rich white folks sure do love giving other rich white folks awards.

   Welcome to another day of loneliness brought to you by years of pushing people away.

   I want to hold you till the end of time. Or until I have to pee. Or whichever comes first.

   It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.

   to honor thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning

   If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted I wish I had a puppy

   Alright Monday what kind of bullsh*t you got for me this time.

   if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .

   If my mother knew how many potential grandchildren I swallowed I wonder if she'd be proud or appalled.