Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I burn 95% of my calories removing gray and unwanted hairs from my head, face, ears and nose and the other 5% flipping people off while I'm driving......

   Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal are living proof that talent is not that important to make it in Hollywood.

   Crime doesn't pay folks ...Oh! wait Whitey Bulger lives like Scarface his young life & Now he gets to stay in a nursing home completely free? Prison ...nursing home..>> same thing !

   If the NFL is so smart, why haven't they created a cable channel of just NFL cheerleaders dancing and jumping around?

   You can’t ignore the facts; if you’ve posted more than 4 selfies in the last month, you are a narcissist.

   I think Commercials on Pandora & Youtube are the Devil.

   Drinking Red Bull cured me, Conclusion; my cells allowed bacteria and viruses inside to kill them for sport.

   Its so cold I had to rub two ice cubes together to start a fire

   A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

   Dear Santa... In reguards to my wish list last year, I wrote to you asking, "sex, for a change" Not "for a sex change"... Please fix this

   If life taught me anything, it's that Mikey will eat anything...

   Great, just found out the truth. All my theories are wrong. God wants to end and restart humanity all because someone invented 'Twerking'...

   French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.

   We live in a world of smart phones and dumb people!

   As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for pants is asking the clerk if they make your butt look fat.

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!

   I feel sorry for Perrier water, they were the only ones for a long time...

   I gave her the ring but she gave me the finger.

   "The Empire Strikes Back" is SO unrealistic... No WAY the black guy would ever admit to being the father.

   if someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?