Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Real friends get treated like family. Fake friends get treated like a plague.

   I'm still mad at you for saying I hold grudges.

   Oprah has been engaged to her boyfriend Stedman for 20 years and my girlfriend complaining its only been seven years since we got engaged.

   Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?

   Marijuana is now legal in Colorado. I guess this gives a whole new meaning to the term Rocky Mountain High.

   RIP Uncle Phil (James Avery) you were the Prince of Bel Air!

   Milk Milk Lemonade, 'Round The Corner, Fudge Is Made

   I want to move to Colorado that way this be a legal "Wake-N-Bake"

   I am moving to Colorado they just legalized marijuana for recreational purposes.

   Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.

   We can all agree that Joan Rivers is now basically just human taxidermy,,, right?

   Nice try 3rd grade music teacher,,, I don’t believe for one second that there were two John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts.

   The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."

   So today was the first day of Obamacare and all the Dr offices were closed...

   I remember 2013 like it was yesterday.

   As I get off the rollercoaster that was 2013, I step into the elevator that is 2014, and press up. Sounds good on paper, anyway....lol

   Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.

   I love you and you ignore me, I ignore you and you love me.

   Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants

   Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...