Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need..

   What happens if pasta touches antipasta?

   I went out to a "Soul Food" restaurant for dinner last night. My waiter was African-American and put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now..........Wait, oh sorry, that's not my waiter

   Anybody else hate when youre mad at someone or upset at something they did, and instead of fixing the problem to make you feel better or acknowledge that they where wrong and simply say I'm sorry.. They turn it around get mad at you and make you to blame.

   Just want to wish all my beautiful Facebook friends a Happy New Year. And for all those who get offended by my posts. I hope you die in 2014

   Why isn't cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??

   I'm white,, but not "donates to PBS public television for $50 a month to receive a Free DVD of the programm I just watched for Free".. white.

   We had our first meeting of the Rule Club... There was a fight.

   Give a vegan a fish,,, then never hear the end of it.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

   I love running my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. It's also a great way to let her know we're out of napkins.

   I can't believe Razor Companys are making any money.....$40 for 10 blades thet cost $.25 to make???

   They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never say how many times to fill it tho ;)

   That last fart smells like why I am single.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   Religion is a spiritual joke thats gone too far.

   Some women cook salt with a bit of food in it.

   I'm "when wrestling was the WWF, not WWE" years old.

   For a guy who could turn water into wine, it’s surprising Jesus wasn’t a hit with the ladies.

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions