Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a woman about to jump off a cliff. “You want to have sex first”, I said. She said, “no” so I said “OK, I’ll wait for you at the bottom!”

   Jameis Winston's trial has been overturned, because he is getting raped!

   Liking Your Own Status Is Like High Fiving Yourself..

   My bank balance is sinking faster than Scott Peterson's wife.

   Global Warming my half frozen ass!

   Illinois Governor Quinn has declared a state of disaster for Illinois.... It's been a disaster for a long time......

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles

   The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.

   If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

   You know the passion is gone when you watch a whole movie together.

   I keep writing "2015" on all my checks because I hope to have money by then.

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   you know its cold outside when you go outside and its cold

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I think that means I have 2020 vision

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   Yay. ..Mr.Plow is here! Won't have to eat another kid.

   It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.