Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned.

   I've got 66 problems and one of them is that I'm upside down

   If you Google the word 'overreacting' there's a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.

   For lunch I melted some cheese onto a plate & scooped it into my mouth with some unmelted cheese & being a grownup isn't going well so far.

   Dance like no one is watching, Fart like no one can smell it.

   I'm just here because real life won't have me.

   Pro Tip: If a girl asks you about your plans, there's a good chance she wants to be apart of them.

   You seem unstable, wanna get an apartment together?

   Still waiting for this movie sequence where the guy running for his girl at a moving train slips off and dies under the train.

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?

   It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.

   Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I've licked them seductively - what more can I do?

   Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals? I want a scary movie in Walmart. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 13. BUT SIR... THERE IS NO AISLE 13. Dramatic music..

   Sears is no longer a store, it's a place to question the purpose and fate of life on earth

   Rock bottom hangover: I ordered pizza just to get soda delivered

   'Tis the season in Chicagoland where there is a fine line between illegal lane usage and dodging pot holes.

   just opened a store next to 'Forever 21', called 'Finally 22'

   nice try auto flush toilet, but there's more where that came from..

   People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin

   When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."