Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.

   'Words can't even describe how much I love you' - Someone who just used words to describe how much they love you

   If you rim your margarita glass with pink Himalayan Salt it becomes health food right?

   The question about why something is news, needs to go away. Its a ridiculous and useless question.

   If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you idiot.

   The police are searching Justin Bieber's house for eggs. "Take your time." said every rapist and murderer.

   Forget having a gun or a knife. If you want to rob me, just threaten to throw glitter on my clothes.

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   Stop telling people you got that scar in a bar fight when you know darn well it's from being circumcised.

   What idiot named it a herd of elephants and not a stamp collection?

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   Okay, guys. Admit it. You shake your head in disgust everytime you learn that one of your hot female friends on Facebook gets pregnant.

   nothing too see here, move along.

   The only thing Martin Luther King ever did for me was get me a three day weekend.

   That moment when the person you've loaned money to calls you to brag about the big bonus they received at work and is going on and on about how they plan on spending it and paying you back is not on the list