Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the devil can't defeat me, cancer doesn't stand a chance in hell

   A MILF is a sexy ass mum over 35. If you're 18, you're just an idiot with a baby.

   I saw my ex earlier and realized how much I missed her. Had to go back round the roundabout and run her over on the second attempt.

   If you're happy and you know it, slap her ass.

   If you didn't want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.

   How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?

   There should be a ride or die carpool lane for serious travelers.

   Ladies, keep it smooth please. No guy wants to floss his teeth while he's down there

   RIP Harold Ramis - If there is ever a Ghostbunsters 3, I guess Egon will be the ghost they hunt...

   I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend's parents.

   Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?

   broke women should stop carrying big ass purses and bags. You don't need a bag or purse that big to carry all that money you don't have.

   I forgot where I threw my boomerang but after a little while it came back to me.

   Proverbs 9:8 "do not correct a scoffer, or he will hate you" or in modern words "haters gonna hate"

   Dale Jr won.....there hasnt been this much excitement in the trailer park since number 9's meth lab blew up

   I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.

   Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

   I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

   May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

   Sochi Olympic officials announce construction is complete and the facilities are now ready......