Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   Olympic athletic bring stray puppies back from Sochi... like we dont have enough here in the US...

   The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

   Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling

   ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ HE'S GOT BOBBY COSTAS EYES ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

   If you were at a Beatles tribute concert and you fell and hurt yourself, what would you yell?

   Lead me not into temptation. I can find it on my own.

   Scientists discovered that an object does not really become smaller when the distance to the beholder increases.

   Sig Sauer is a better gun than Smith & Wesson!

   Everyone keeps complaining about the extreme cold weather, do you know what it does to the bugs that torment you in the summer?

   My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.

   If you were inside my mind ,you could never get enough showers to EVER feel clean again !

   Bitstrips just won't go away...

   The people you may know list should be renamed to, the people you may want to block. . .

   For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

   I had over 2,500 friends on my fb friends' list. I deleted every single one of those posing, airbrushed women who do nothing but clog up my newsfeed with the same ol' stuff. I now have zero friends.

   You don't need a Corvette when you have a big pen*s

   i can't sing but I do have other oral talents.

   After sitting here watching all these Olympic events and the athletes doing such extreme things... I have decided I need to get more extreme... so today I'm eating Hot Pockets right out of the microwave...