Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even if a b1tch ain't one, 99 problems is still a lot.

   How touching and appropriate for the LA Clippers to invite the Ole Miss to their game last night to lead the crowd in a stirring rendition of "Dixie"...

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don't post.

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   Try to slide down a waterslide while its dry, thats why foreplay is important

   I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking

   John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?

   We now live in a country where we are spied on without warrants, told what you can eat and drink, forced to buy something you may not want, and can be fined for what you say. Welcome to Amerika 2014. Our Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves.

   Misery loves whiskey. F cuk company.

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.

   Have you tried throwing a tantrum?.

   Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.

   Yes if a bunch of horny and thirsty guys on the internet called you hot then it must be so true.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   2 cops walk into a bar... I don't know what happened after that. I got the f cuk out of there.

   Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.

   Nice try, Olympic skiers. I've been going downhill without skis or poles for years.