Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting paid to rate porn. Well, that's the excuse I will give if I am caught watching it. . .

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone... Ain't no Sub when she's away..

   Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.

   In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first

   My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   It's national hot dog day! Time to come and get your weenie ladies.

   You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.

   I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   There is a new strain of Marijuana on the market now. It is called "The Obama". It is very expensive, powerful, and does not do anything

   I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

   HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.

   I'd put down my phone for you.

   "Pro-Russian rebels" You mean the Russian army?