Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

   Coworker: I don't appreciate how you... Me: Let me stop you right there, I don't give a sh*t what you appreciate.

   A car full of sluts is called a fish tank

   Instead of judging people on their past, judge them on the awful decisions they make today.

   ME: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back" WAITER: "Sir, I believe that's your wife."

   Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?

   When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

   My favorite Steven Seagull movie is Executive Decision because he dies in the first 15 minutes.

   Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

   I just tried drowning a spider with my Rockstar energy drink and now he's wearing a neon green tank top and bench pressing my remote.

   it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.

   I forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom. I think that counts as camping.

   When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.

   If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tounges and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in messages, it would be creepy as hell.

   I don't even think the fat lady knows how to sing

   Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; for your sake, I hope the beholder is blind.

   im feeling so empty.. (after pooping)

   Fire Brad Ausmus, it's never ok to joke about beating women