Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a girl who's a Kanye West in the streets and a Kanye West in the sheets. - Kanye West

   We had it all Just like Bogie and Bacall Sailing away to Key Largo Here's lookin' at you kid RIP

   People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night burn the Kindle at both ends.

   Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

   It seems as if I come across the most scary spiders while I'm in the bathroom. For that, I am somewhat grateful

   I think you have a deficiency in vitamin me.

   The first assembly instruction for all IKEA furniture should be open 1 beer.

   When people ask me Plz because it’s shorter than please, I tell them no because it’s shorter than yes.

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS

   In high school, I used to assist my teacher in Spanish class by "interpretive dancing" her lesson off to the side for "clarification"

   Why can't I wake up to some good news for a change? Like hearing that Justin Bieber and the whole Kardashian Clan perished in a plane accident?

   I wonder if Michael Jackson doctor had anything to do with it

   He's not really dead, he's trapped in the jungle waiting for some to roll an 5 or 8

   I guess the Dead Poets Society has a new member. (Too soon?)

   It seems so unfair, someone that filled millions of hearts with joy and laughter, suffered from the deep pain of depression. ..... RIP Robin Williams

   Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.

   I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   I ate lunch and Furr's. Apparently the wait staff didn't find it funny that I kept telling them I wanted a furr burger.

   I don't like the idea of having to go on in a world where good people like Robin Williams is no longer with us, but Justin Beiber is still alive and well.

   some how I stabbed myself in the eye with the corner of a business card. Is that a good enough excuse to buy an eye patch and wear if for a week? Being a pirate for a.week would be awesome