Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.

   I've been analizing chickens' behavior for weeks and I still can't determine why did they cross the road... My thesis is screwed

   Do you know how I recognize a peasant?! They stare deeply into someone's eyes without knowing that they're not comfortable.

   it's creepy when a girl you've never met before comes up to you and asks to feel your arm muscles. Go wash your hands first and I'll think about it

   If you say you can’t cook what you're really saying is that you can’t read and follow directions.

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

   adam's diary day 1: we arrived on earth, weather's nice, a bit quiet, both adjusting well day 2: eve is talking to a snake

   Alright ISIS, Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. You can stop now.

   I tried stuff once. It was horrible.

   I'll never understand why men lie about the size of their d*icks... *puts on padded push up bra*

   WoW! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!

   It's unhealthy the amount of pressure society put on adults having to behave.

   Sorry I photobombed your selfie, but I needed an alibi.

   Oh My God Becky

   Monica Lewinski's whole experience at the White House left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Here's a joke about ebola, you probably won't get it though.

   n't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?

   Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.