Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My grandfather was a Marine who fought hand to hand combat with the Japanese at the battle of Guadalcanal and I sometimes drink lattes.

   Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?

   My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"

   Q:why are black folks mad at God A: you would be too if he put p*bic hair on top of your head.

   You look like the kind of girl that would take a selfie in my trunk.

   Stereotypes aside, I believe there is a female toughness that men do not have, or understand. It's whatever creates the courage to care.

   [job interview] *removes ear bud* yo, what's the wifi password up in here

   So Eli Manning and Peyton Manning walk into a bar...........To watch Tom Brady in the playoffs.

   Hell is empty and all the devils are here...

   nothing in life is free. Everything has a price. Every action has a consequence.

   I wish black folks would stop looking to the academy awards and other white based award shows for validation--i dont even watch that bullsh**. I'll take the NAACP Image Awards and other prestigious black awards that validate black talent anyday over the o

   Before you give me your survey results, just know that numbers don’t impress me much anymore when it comes to human beings. I now value quality over quantity when it comes to crowds considering the number of idiots who have infiltrated the human race.

   T rolls used to live under bridges, now they live in their mom's basement.

   Safe word? It's more likely that you will need a white flag

   Koran has been remixed more times than Madonna.

   Just spent 15 minutes searching for the remote to my surround sound receiver.. Couldn't find it so in frustration I went up and manually pushed the power button. What is this world coming too????

   If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals

   Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.

   My medical ID bracelet says "Probably Drunk".

   My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"