Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

   A woman will ask her man what hairstyle she should get next but then go on to get a different one to the one he suggested.

   They say don't burn bridges you may have to cross later. I say I don't mind swimming if the bridge was f--ked up to begin with.

   She says she is surprised to see me but her drawn eyebrows tell a different story.

   The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.

   *Jesus sits down at the bar* "The boss says we have to start charging you for water"

   When is a good time to mention that St. Patrick was British and taken as a slave to Ireland for 6 years before escaping? Not today then?

   Public Service Announcement: It's St. "Paddy's" Day.... "Patty" is short for Patricia.

   Thanks to leggings and yoga pants, my imagination can take a break.

   Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath

   I’m glad they have a holiday to honor Neil PATRICK Harris, he’s amazing.

   I'm getting into a drunken brawl with the first person that sterotypes Irish.

   You can always tell the Irish.... You just can't tell'm much!

   Blow me, I'm German...you can kiss the Irishman later.

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. No mutual friends? I'm not adding you!

   Walk around like a secret agent. Hand cuff yourself to a briefcase and take public transportation. . .

   Hey cars with Jesus fish stickers, I know it doesn’t explicitly say so in the Bible but I’m pretty sure God wants you to use your blinkers.

   British airways had a plane turn around because of a smelly poop. I need help turning that into a joke

   My Life Isn't American Idol, So Quit Trying To Judge Me!!!

   Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. starts brushing teeth