Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   National Doughnut Day - My Holey Day

   Blowing a tranny means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   started calling my truck Caitlin since it started having tranny problems

   Sorry boss, can't come in today. National Donut Day is sacred to my people.

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".

   Sequel Idea: Fresh Prince of Bel Aire 2 - A privledged kid from Bel-Aire is sent to live in West Philly to be given a hard dose of reality. Starring Jaden Smith.

   I'm so bad at Candy Crush that I just gave up and ate a bag of M&Ms.

   "Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady

   pro tip: go to men's warehouse. try on a suit. take a selfie. say the suit isnt what you want & give it back. you just got a free picture of you looking good in a nice suit.

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   My neighbours sex sounded so good I made them a Sandwich..

   "For the record I made women from men before it was cool." - GOD

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.

   I like my wine like I like my men, inside me.

   Today is National Cheese Day! So let us each take a moment and pray for all the hapless imbeciles in the world who foolishly ask "Would you like that with Cheese?"

   Coffee so strong I see noises.