Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1504 of 6384
Bought a new boomerang today but I'm having trouble throwing away the old one.
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06-25-2015 11:42
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I don't have any friends. Is enemies with benefits a thing?
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06-25-2015 11:33
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So apparently, BFF, does not stand for 'big fat friend'. sorry Maureen on FB.
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06-25-2015 11:32
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Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west
Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.
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06-25-2015 01:49 by Czovczov
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I think you meant to say, "Leave things that don't exist alone you idiots"
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06-25-2015 00:23
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The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....
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06-24-2015 19:15 by snotty
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Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.
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06-24-2015 18:45 by snotty
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science
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06-24-2015 18:38 by snotty
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Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"
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06-24-2015 18:05 by snotty
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Most bars should be called peace and quiet, after the no smoking signs went up
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06-24-2015 17:08 by @tuxxer
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"I'm going to open a restaurant called" "Peace and Quiet" where" noisy people "meals cost $150."
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06-24-2015 16:53
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Why in the world is there no bacon emoji.... It's really hard to text your grocery list when there's no emoji for bacon!!
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06-24-2015 16:33
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Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.
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06-24-2015 15:14
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I carry a yard sale sign around with me, so when my girlfriend throws all my sh*t onto the lawn I can just sell it there.
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06-24-2015 14:51
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If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk..
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06-24-2015 14:14
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Me: Don't jump! Come down from the ledge! What are you doing up there? Him: I'm 38. Me: So? Him: And a virgin.... Me: Happy Landings!
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06-24-2015 13:58
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Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.
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06-24-2015 13:50
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Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?
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06-24-2015 13:44 by Czovczov
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I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.
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06-24-2015 13:41
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