Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait, the Goo Goo Dolls and Gin Blossoms aren't the same group??

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   With a great @$$ come a lot of eyeballs

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

   No need to build a wall. Just have Rosie O'Donnell lay down on the Mexican/American border.

   I watched Bugs, Popeye, and the Roadrunner every day when growing up. This nation is the beacon for the world. Kids today watch cartoons with 0 violence and need safe zone. I fear the future.

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you teeter between, "Woo Hoo, the week is half over" and *tear*, "the week is only half over.

   No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   It's VERY magnanimous of Donald Trump to only take $1 in Presidential salary,, $1 seems Very small,, until you realize that's it's still more than he paid in taxes

   American Apparel is filing for bankruptcy again... The good news is that they're only a couple more bankruptcies away from running for President.

   Joss Weadon is calling for the @ssassination of President Elect Trump ... Hope he realized he just commited a felony offense which is a Class E felony under United States Code Title 18, Section 871.

   Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.

   Hilarious how both Republicans and Democrats think they do now wrong when both sides are equally as evil...end the 2 party system and America will be great again

   Kids today have it so easy. When I was a teenager it was almost impossible to find pictures of the First Lady naked on the internet.

   Here's a thought: Let's let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.

   I used to have this device to help me find wild mushrooms but I misplaced it. You might say I lost my morel compass.