Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   It's officially the holiday season, bah hum bug. . .

   My wife and girlfriend met, they don't need me anymore ;)

   All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too

   Happy Trumpsgiving.....

   You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   Black Friday used to only be Robinson Crusoe's pal!

   Theres a really good chance I'm gonna touch some breast today.

   Watching the Macy's Thanskgiving Day Parade. It's not a parade, it's a 3 hour ad for Broadway plays. Where's the Bullwinkle float!???

   it normal to delete Facebook friends on their birthdays

   When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.

   if you burn the turkey, just tell the family they're eating blackbird

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already

   They should put bumpers on the roads when women are driving like they do for kids at bowling alleys

   With great power comes a great Electricity bill

   Marriage Is Like A Deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is a Two Hearts and a Diamond, As it Progresses You Wish You Had A Club and A Spade

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite Fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile