Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Marijuana: Day 7 -More stamina. -Increased libido. -Decrease in mood swings. -Improved mental clarity. -I haven't slept. -3 people are dead.

   Would do anything for happiness but not like diet and exercise or staying off social media and seeking help from a professional.

   Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem....

   What's the protocol for when you're really angry but your favourite song comes on the radio?

   No one looks cool waiting for a guy to make them a balloon animal.

   Pharmacies are like arcades for the elderly.

   Sometimes I think I'm ready to teach meditation but other times someone honks at me and I scream death threats.

   It's difficult to not be a narcissist when your birthmark is the symbol of a Dragon warrior and your hair flows in the wind indoors.

   When someone flirts with you don't let it stop there. Flirt back, remove your shirt, put them in a headlock if you have to.

   My favorite thing about restroom graffiti is knowing the gangbanger had a sparkly marker in his pocket.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.

   Why does Ashton Kutcher always look like he's withholding valuable information?

   Been watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy....

   Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

   Gary Johnson 2016 #FeelTheJohnson

   Hmmmm Learned today that the Obama Administration has given Mexico $75 Million to build a wall along Mexico's Southern Border!!! Question: What part of "We need to secure the AMERICAN Border" does Mr. Obama and Hillary NOT understand?

   First Law of Holes is: If you are in one .... Stop Digging.

   Things I like about Autumn is slipping on a leaf that was hiding a piece of dog poop beneath it. Love that!!!

   Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   I never broke up with my summer camp fling....technically we're still dating. My commitment issues are over!